100% UNOFFICIAL ___ Tuesday 20th September 1977 During Latin this AM our teacher Mr
Beesley - he of the confetti dandruff and bodily odours - demanded that I give a brief talk on
Catullus. Apparently I'd volunteered to do so last week then forgotten about it entirely. Well
dearest D I don't mind telling you that the Johnson brain was mightily flummoxed. Without the
faintest clue what I was about to say I rose to my feet. "Um gosh yes Catullus " I began.
"What can one say about Catullus? Well I have always strived to keep my feelings on Catullus a
secret. But now I shall have to let the Cat-ullus out of the bag." "Yes yes very good
Johnson " said Mr Beesley "but you're meant to be telling us about his poetry". "Well um
quite " I shot back. "Knowing as I do so much about Catullus - and indeed his poetry! -
it's tough to know where to begin. Perhaps then I should start with the basics: Catullus was
a Roman. As such he had a roman head roman shoulders and of course roman hands. Yes that
poet's hands would roam all over the place. He was the most notorious bottom-pincher in the
whole republic!" Yet more laughter! Sometimes I wonder whether I should be a comedian when I
grow up rather than Prime Minister. Then again why not BOTH? Ended the day by raiding the
tuck shop to replenish my dwindling supply of Curly Wurlies. Checked my mons pubis for hair
again just now. Still nothing . . .
